Can America Survive Free Speech?

If there’s one thing Donald Trump’s Twitter account should have taught us, it’s that allowing anyone to say anything, just because they have opposable thumbs and a pulse, may not be the most productive way to conduct the public discourse so essential to a functioning democracy. When the “marketplace of ideas” is full of hucksters and bullshitters and con artists, after all, it can be difficult for good, honest, thoughtful people to get a word in edgewise. 

This didn’t used to be a problem. 

 Prior to the internet, legend has it, there were good, honest, thoughtful people everywhere, and conversations around the American dinner table were lively, respectful affairs conducted by engaged citizens who carefully considered every nuance of public policy at all levels of government—local, state, national, international (and, for Star Wars fans, interstellar). After years of debating the pros and cons of each and every policy proposal served up by legislators, as well as the merits of every judge, sheriff, and water commissioner in the region, these exceptionally well-informed citizens would then shuffle over to their nearest voting precinct and cast their ballot, secure in the knowledge that their vote counted and that their fellow citizens were voting in equally good faith, based on their own rigorous study of the issues and candidates, all of whom were extraordinarily well-qualified to lead our country to a better, brighter, more prosperous future, regardless of their party affiliation. 

I jest, of course. In truth, the only place such passionate policy discussions ever took place was in the bedroom, after a pair of married, freedom-loving citizens attempted to procreate to the soaring strains of our national anthem, always timing their patriotism to coincide with those glaring red rockets, which of course symbolize the turgid excitement all Americans feel when democracy is under attack. 

Again, I’m kidding. In bed, most American men can’t make it past the word “ramparts,” no matter how gallant their stream. 

But you get the point. Many people in this country think they can recall a time when the so-called “public discourse” was so civil that people worried about it being “coarsened.” 

In the rosy embers of the Boomer generation’s collective imagination, there are shrines dedicated to television truth-tellers like Walter Kronkite, Ted Koppel, Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, and the incomparable Harry Reasoner—a man who had the word “reason” in his very name, for criminy’s sake! Journalism itself was the reliable “fourth estate,” the one institution in our democracy that could be counted upon to ask uncomfortable questions of politicians who keep pretending everything is going to be okay. In this informational utopia of yore, all an American citizen had to do in order to “stay informed” was spend twenty minutes reading the morning paper and half an hour watching the national news. In less than an hour a day, then, Americans had all the information they needed to make the world’s best choices on election day. 

This is all a romantic fiction, of course. 

No one in 1976 was better informed about politics than the average ten-year-old is today. The big difference is that learned adults in the 1960s and 1970s felt more informed. And they felt more informed because they trusted television and newspaper editors to sort through the detritus of reality and, every morning and evening, present them with a cohesive, neatly packaged narrative that fit nicely into the rhythm of their own day. Things made sense, in other words, because the people writing the so-called “first draft of history” worked very hard to craft a version of world events that seemed rational. The morning paper was not a chaotic jumble of suggestions for how to treat toenail fungus or identify which celebrities are vegan—it was a slowly evolving story of American exceptionalism that anyone could understand and follow. In journalism schools around the country, budding reporters were taught to write at a “sixth-grade level,” because it was understood back then that the average adult was not, scholastically speaking, a very good fit for democracy. Thus, the complexity and nuance of world events was communicated with roughly the same intellectual heft as a Hardy Boys novel, and the “news” was delivered each day in easily digestible chunks. And if it only took twenty minutes to read the morning paper, that left 23 hours and forty minutes to think about the news, to digest and process it, before another installment of disturbing information landed on the doorstep. 

Then came CNN and the internet. 24-hour cable news made it possible for people to gorge as much as they wanted at the trough of news, and the internet gave people a giant slop bucket where they could spew the undigested chunks of speculation and innuendo that inevitably accumulated. The formula for reasonable discourse in society was suddenly reversed: Instead of spending less than an hour a day absorbing news and the rest of the day thinking about it, people started absorbing news all day, which didn’t leave time to think about much of anything. Then people discovered that if they could dispense with thinking about the news, there was nothing left to do but react to it. And, because reacting and spewing are so much more cathartic and satisfying than stepping back for several hours to give a matter some considered thought, the internet naturally became a cesspool of vomitous bile.

This wasn’t supposed to happen, of course. Back in the 1990s and early aughts, internet evangelicals were absolutely certain that “democratizing” information would ultimately be good for society, and that allowing people from all over the world to communicate with each other—anytime, anywhere—would naturally foster a universal sense of understanding and compassion. A more informed world would be a better world, and the great hive mind of humanity would somehow usher in a new era of international cooperation. Like a beauty contestant searching for the right answer, some of these silicon prophets would even venture that global peace and prosperity for all lay just around the technological bend. 

Back in 1995, before most people had even seen a web page, I sat in a room full of other reporters and listened to a panel of young technological visionaries describe the brave new world of communication they were gifting to the world, much of which has come true—and much of which has not. It is true that people all over the world can now communicate with each other cheaply and effortlessly. And it is true that, technically speaking, more information is now available to the average human being through their phone than has been available to any human in history. It is not true, however, that all of this additional communication and information has naturally led to a kinder, more compassionate world. Quite the opposite.  More understanding and tolerance may have been the goal, but what none of these technological utopianists seemed capable of anticipating was the collective upchuck of hatred and bigotry that their invention would unleash. 

Any working journalist could have told them what they were up against. Back in the days of pre-internet journalism, I and my colleagues regularly got hate mail from angry readers who took exception to one thing or another we had written. The beat didn’t matter; nor did the subject.

If you expressed an opinion in print about something—anything—there was always a posse of readers who felt it was their solemn duty to write scathing, bilious denouncements of whatever you’d written. Then came the character assassination—you were an idiot, imbecile, moron, stooge, prick, asshole, monster . . . or whatever. And if you touched an especially sensitive nerve, there were always a few reliable malcontents who wanted you fired—or worse killed, always in some grisly, medieval fashion that would communicate in no uncertain terms just how angry you had made them. 

On my first day on the job as a working journalist, a colleague of mine showed me a letter he had just received from one of his readers. The letter was scrawled in red crayon and said, “Fuck you for what you said about ‘Pump Up the Volume’. Eat shit and die!!!” He was the movie critic, and he had evidently expressed a cinematic opinion that one of his readers did not agree with—by, as it happened, liking the movie in question a bit too much. So, of course, this reader thought the logical punishment for the crime of not writing what he wanted to hear was . . . death. I myself have received numerous death threats over the years, from readers who felt my perspective on various civic and cultural matters was so noxious that I too should be exterminated. 

Back then, we did not yet live in a world where journalists were occasionally abducted, hacked into pieces with a bone saw and dissolved in acid. Nor did we live in a world where people offended by a cartoon would barge into a newspaper’s office and mow down the editorial staff with an AK-47. Journalists did occasionally lose their lives while reporting from the front lines of some war in a dusty distant land, but for the most part, the only people who actively sought vengeance against journalists were dictators for whom the light of truth is like sunshine to a vampire. 

Still, there were always plenty of readers who, when confronted with an idea they did not like, preferred the gallows to anything resembling reasonable public discourse. The general public was unaware of these people, however, because the only vehicle available for readers to express a contrary opinion at the time was the “Letters to the Editor” section, and newspaper and magazine editors typically refused to publish letters that were threatening, deranged, or illiterate. Indeed, as a class, editors thought of themselves as the gatekeepers of public discourse. And by not publishing specious invective, baseless allegations, or casual death threats, they typically felt as if they were providing a public service. 

To maintain some semblance of civility and decorum in the public discourse, then, it was necessary to suppress some voices—voices that, editors felt, did not contribute anything constructive to the public “dialogue.” And as conscientious gatekeepers of the public discourse, editors felt it was part of their job to insulate the public from the simmering sewer of rage that burbled in some sectors of the citizenry, if only because it is difficult to have a dialogue with someone who is shouting at you.   

Fast forward to 2022: one of the biggest differences between media consumption then and now is that today everyone now has a “voice,” even if they only use it to disparage people on Facebook. People who don’t appreciate what mainstream newspapers like the New York Times and Washington Post have to say about the world also now have news outlets and websites that tell them what they want to hear. Not what is true, mind you, or what can be verified through responsible reporting—but whatever confirms their own biases and suspicions. 

Thus, people with a different worldview are free to create their own informational ecosystem and tell themselves whatever they want to believe: the election was rigged, the coronavirus is a hoax, the climate isn’t changing, Vladimir Putin is a genius, and forest fires are created by Jewish lasers shot from space. 

Again, this was not supposed to happen. When news outlets started creating websites and posting stories online, many an idealistic editor thought the “comments” section for each story would become a kind of electronic “public square,” where people could debate the pros and cons of any given story and thereby create the kind of open “discourse” that almost everyone agreed should be the cornerstone of a healthy democracy. Instead, given the chance, readers heaped so much profanity and invective on news articles that many newspapers started hiring small armies of interns to monitor the comments sections and weed out the most offensive posts. Dismayed by the crassness and incivility of their readers, many news websites stopped posting comments altogether. 

But the angry mobs did not go away—they simply gravitated toward media outlets that validated their anger and offered them an informational prism through which they could look and see that they were right and everyone else was wrong, just as they suspected. For some reason, these same people concluded that the mainstream media was lying to them, and that professional journalists whose livelihoods depend upon the accuracy of their reporting, and who have the guts to attach their name to each story they write, cannot be trusted. No, to these people, a story can only be trusted if it is being posted on a Reddit threat by an anonymous teenager whose job, if they have one, is definitely not on the line should it turn out that Hillary Clinton is not selling children for sex at the pizza parlor around the corner. 

Trust in anything, consequently, is at an all-time low. Almost all “media” is now polarized along political battle lines, and each of the warring factions accuses the other side of being deceitful criminals and fascists who will destroy the country if they are ever allowed to pursue their evil agenda. In this paradigm, Congressional gridlock is the only thing saving American democracy from its supposed representatives, all of whom—if you believe the yowling from their respective media tribes—are hell-bent on ruining the country, one way or another. 

So we are left with a conundrum: democracy in America seemed to work better—or at least more smoothly—when the public had less information at their fingertips, and the general arc of the media narrative was controlled by just a few large newspapers and television networks. Most people got the same general news from the same basic sources, so there wasn’t a tremendous amount of disagreement about the basic facts of any given discussion. 

Then again, average voter turnout in presidential elections between 1960 and 1995 hovered around 53%, so it cannot be said that the citizenry was tremendously engaged in the electoral process. In 2020, however, total voter turnout nationwide was 66.8%—the highest voter turnout in 120 years. So, despite the fractured media landscape and seemingly batshit attitude toward governance displayed by the Trump administration (or perhaps because of it), participation in the democratic process during the 2020 election was at an all-time high. Americans may be polarized and angry, but it seems as if there is nothing quite like the threat of encroaching fascism from both ends of the political spectrum to energize the electorate and get out the vote.

So which is the better form of democracy? A comfortably centrist polity that lulls the population into a state of relative indifference, or one that swings wildly from left to right and back again, creating so much drama and alarm that voters turn out in droves? 

The answer doesn’t really matter, because it is impossible to go back to the media landscape of the mid-twentieth century, when news editors waded through the messy nonsense of real life and presented the public with a highly selective slate of stories that seemed rationally connected to the world in which readers actually lived. Not so anymore. In the parlance of our beloved tech titans, the internet has set information “free,” and people are now re-arranging their lives accordingly, based on whatever version of reality they prefer. 

But fear not: if Americans end up not liking the 21st century iteration of American democracy, they can always scrap it and build a society where everyone agrees on everything—you know, like China, North Korea, or Russia. Because if there’s one thing authoritarian dictators are good at, it’s restricting the flow of information so that their citizens don’t get too confused. 

Unfortunately, if Americans want to add a little more authoritarianism to their daily lives, they are going to have to answer one crucial question: Which form of fascism do they prefer? 

 

The Laziest Dog in the World

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My dogs are getting old, and so am I. At this point, it’s really just a race to see who gets to die first. With my luck, unfortunately, the dogs will depart this earthly plane before I do, leaving me with a heart full of grief and an aching need to get another dog. 

But what kind?

The last time I went searching for a dog, I ended up with a corgi. Then two corgis. Because corgis are like children—if you only have one, people start wondering what’s wrong with you. 

My hound-hunting criteria at the time had nothing to do with the sorts of qualities listed in the Purina Dog Selector website—such as exercise, shedding, child-friendliness, protectiveness, drool factor, etc. All I wanted then was a dog that would make me laugh every day, because I was pretty depressed. My previous dog had died several months earlier, you see, and it didn’t take long to determine that dog-lessness was not a comfortable state of being for me. So I got a couple of laugh dogs, and have enjoyed their comedy schtick for more than a decade now. 

But I know the laughter will eventually fade and soon I will be left heartbroken, wondering what sort of canine companion I’ll need to make it through the next ten or fifteen years. I could of course get another corgi, but my priorities have changed over the years, and so has my perspective on what qualities my next dog should have. 

THE “SMART” DOG FALLACY

It is said that dogs look like their owners because human beings are a bunch of narcissistic navel-gazers who pick dogs who reflect their own personalities back at them. There’s nothing wrong with this; it’s as good a reason to pick a dog as any. And so, in order for my next dog’s personality and temperament to match my own in the coming years, I have determined that I need to find the slowest, laziest, stupidest dog in the world. 

Now, sluggishness, sloth and witlessness are not normally thought of as positive attributes in a dog. In fact, several generations of A-type over-achievers have fetishized their desire for precisely the opposite sort of dog, one who is active, alert, and intelligent—you know, just like them! Such people actually want their dog to behave more like a precocious child, which is why America’s tonier suburbs are rife with prancing labradoodles who can respond to complete sentences and do remedial algebra in their head. In fact, any “poo” or “oodle” dog—cockapoo, yorkipoo, goldendoodle, bernedoodle, sheepadoodle—is a dog that has been cross-bred with a poodle, because poodles are said to be the smartest dogs in the world. And there are legions of seemingly intelligent, well-meaning people out there who mistakenly believe that a smarter dog is a better dog. These allegedly smart people also somehow believe that their super-intelligent, hypo-allergenic Mensa-doodle will naturally use its superior brainpower to be a more loyal and obedient canine companion. 

Nothing could be further from the truth. 

I speak from experience on this topic, because corgis are consistently ranked among the smartest breeds, and I once thought that having a clever dog around the house would be fun. And it is—for the dog. Because, given half a chance, a smart dog will use its superior intellect to manipulate and dupe its human cohabitants into giving it everything it wants. Pretty soon you’re spending an hour or two a day tossing a tennis ball at the park, feeding it the most expensive dog food you can find, buying poofy pillow beds for it to snooze on in front of the fire, inviting it into your bed at night, and waking at the crack of dawn when his royal smartass-ness decides it’s time for breakfast. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love my corgis. But both of them are too-clever-by-half, so I have concluded that my next dog should be approximately half as clever as they are, if not more so—because as my own mental capacity declines, so does the appeal of a dog who can out-smart me. My next dog and I will get along much better if he (or she) is a dull-witted beast with no thoughts or ambitions of its own—one whose life, like mine, revolves around eating, snoozing, and shitting. 

NO NEED FOR SPEED

Likewise, I do not want my next dog to be too active or alert, because what that really translates to in real life is a lot of running. And barking. And basically spending a lot of time trying to get the poor, neurotic beast to calm down, because that squirrel is not going to come down out of that tree anytime soon, and when the neighbor fires up his leaf blower, it does not mean that the house is under attack by an army of renegade vacuum cleaners.

Now, in my younger days, I fancied a dog who could go on daily runs with me and keep up with my busy lifestyle. But now that my lifestyle is less frenetic, I need an animal who is content not to run around all the time, and whose natural pace on a walk is on the leisurely side of pokey. That’s because, like so many things in life, the concept of speed loses its appeal as the years go by. To the young, speed is interesting and important, because it is a measure of power. Speedy things win races and beat the competition, and that impresses people who have trouble winning races and beating the competition. Which, to be fair, is most people. So it is not surprising that young folks would fetishize speed and agility in a dog, which, when taken to the extreme, leads to something like a border collie or Jack Russell terrier—a dog so fast and twitchy that you pretty much have to devote your life to running the twitchiness out of it. Otherwise, all that nervous energy will be directed at destroying your furniture or otherwise making your life a manic hell of neurotic leg-humping and endless, yippy-yappy insanity. 

As one ages, however, the idea of moving quickly and “getting things done” begins to lose its luster. The older I get, for example, the more value I put on the amount of time I am able to sit in one place without being compelled to do something. The longer the better. So over the next ten or fifteen years, I’m going to need a dog that matches my own declining energy level. Which is to say, I’m going to need an animal who is content to sit by my side for hours at a time without moving a muscle, lest the spell of contemplative serenity be broken. It has even occurred to me that maybe what I’m looking for is not a dog at all, but something more akin to an armadillo or possum, an animal whose most powerful defense mechanism against predators is its ability to sit still for long periods of time and bore its attackers into a harmless stupor. 

The trouble is, most of the ideally indolent creatures in nature are nocturnal, and I am not—not yet, anyway. I need an animal who will sleep through the night—one who doesn’t mind the pump and hum of the CPAP machine, and who doesn’t feel compelled to join me in the bathroom every time I get up to pee. In other words, I need a dog who is indifferent to my infirmities and who, if he thinks about moving at all, usually decides against it. 

A HUMBLER DOG, PERHAPS

This newer, slower dog need not be interesting, either. My corgis are the most interesting dogs in my neighborhood, as evidenced by the number of people who clamor to pet them and coo over their cuteness. This is understandable, since the cuteness quotient in corgis is exponential—which means that two corgis are not just twice as cute, they are four times as cute. Most folks cannot handle that much cuteness without emitting some sort of primal, high-pitched squeal of delight, and many simply faint from the sudden and unexpected rush of dopamine that so often accompanies a random corgi sighting.  

Blame Queen Elizabeth. Blame the internet. Whatever the cause, people love corgis far too much, and, since I have two of them, their celebrity status on the local sidewalks is a constant distraction. One of my dogs has even offered to sign autographs for the locals, and only gave up on the idea after I convinced him that people would probably just turn around and sell his signatures on eBay. (Corgis are smart, but not that smart.) So, having endured the inconveniences and absurdities of canine celebrity, I now feel certain I am ready for a humbler, more innocuous dog—one who does not call attention to itself and, when approached by strangers, will be indifferent to their entreaties. Such a dog would allow me to stroll unaccosted through the neighborhood, save for the occasional passerby who loves all dogs, and cannot resist trying to break the iron will of a hound who refuses to play the whole “let’s make a human happy” game.  

REST IN BREED

Having determined the basic character traits I desire in my next dog, the next step is of course identifying the breed that best encapsulates those characteristics. Unfortunately, when one searches on the internet for “the slowest, laziest dog in the world,” the results are not particularly encouraging.

First off, I don’t want a little dog that I could step on or crush if I happened to fall on it. So no spaniels or yorkies or pugs, please. Moving up the size scale, English Bulldogs and Basset Hounds are usually cited as lazy breeds that can be relied upon to nap most of the day. But I had a basset hound when I was a kid, and there was nothing lazy about him. And the lady across the street has a bulldog, so I wouldn’t want her to think I am some kind of copycat fanboy, as that would inevitably lead to awkward encounters in the street, and might encourage her to engage in the sorts of conversations I try to avoid—ones that involve pleasant chit-chat about our dogs, for instance. 

Among the larger breeds, the Bull Mastiff appears to have the right combination of repose and repel—a dog that likes to sleep, but, when it’s awake, looks like it could tear your arm off with one snap of its mighty jaws. I like the idea of a dog who commands respect through fear, but mastiffs are huge dogs that shit mountains and only live 7-9 years. The same goes for St. Bernards and Newfoundlands, which are both big and lazy, but don’t live very long, either.  And ideally, I would like to get a dog who outlives me, because when I die, someone—or something—is going to have to alert the authorities that my corpse needs to be disposed of. Chow Chows and Bernese Mountain Dogs are also often listed as low-energy dogs that roughly fit my lifestyle requirements, except that both breeds are also considered “smart,” and I don’t need that. Furthermore, all of these larger dogs require massive amounts of food, and if they don’t get it, I’m not certain how they would repay my forgetfulness. When I forget to feed my corgis, after all, they just pester me until I “remember” that if I don’t feed them, they will annoy me all day. Would a mastiff be so considerate? I’m not so sure. 

And even the laziest dogs seem to require at least one walk a day. Which is fine most of the time. But as I get older, I have trouble coming up with reasons to leave the house, so some days my prospective pooch is going to have to suck it up and stay home with me. I don’t want to hear about it, either. When there is no walk on the agenda, I want my disappointed dog-friend to sigh, plop his head back down, and be as relieved as I am not to venture out into the cold, harsh brutality of another winter day.

I could also adopt a dog—a “mutt,” that is—but my criteria for a next dog has gotten quite specific, so I’m not sure how much luck I’d have at a shelter. If all else fails, I could ask them to call me if they get any dogs that have the energy level of a walrus and the general disposition of a manatee, but that’s asking a lot. Young people get confused when old people talk about dogs as if they are creatures from the sea, and if I went to a shelter in person, I’d be afraid that some helpful adolescent would decide I’m a lunatic, just because I want a dog that isn’t too obviously alive. 

THE SEARCH CONTINUES . . . 

So for me, the search for a dog slow and lazy enough to accompany me on my slide into senility continues. Fortunately, as my corgis age, they too are slowing down. Like me, they are starting to have hip problems. Walks around the neighborhood have also gotten considerably slower now that their celebrity among nearby humans has been established, and they must now sniff every rock and tree for signs of recognition from other, lesser dogs in the neighborhood. And they’ve both been around me long enough to know that there are days—rainy or snowy days, usually—when we are not going to leave the house, and they are mostly okay with that, provided I compensate them with something to chew on. 

The truth is that, right now, if I had to pick the perfect dog to match my current energy level and temperament, it would very likely be a ten-year-old corgi with occasional hip pain who could stand to lose a few pounds but isn’t too eager to eat much less or exercise much more. 

For now, my dogs and I are an almost perfect match—but I know it won’t last. Eventually, they are going to leave me behind and I’m going to need a new dog, one who is as slow and lazy as I am, but doesn’t know how lumpish it is and doesn’t care. Because that’s the way it’s going to be around here for the next ten or fifteen years, so it’s important that I choose a dog who understands the situation, and is all too willing to go back to sleep until something happens to move me out of my favorite chair.

A man can’t sit forever, though, no matter how hard he tries. Eventually, I’ll have to stand up, and when I do, I’ll be grateful if my dog and I can agree that, yes, we should probably go for a walk—but let’s keep it short, so we can get back to what we both do best: sit around and wait for someone to feed us.

Is mental "reframing" the key to surviving America?

Lately I have been exploring ways to “compartmentalize” my anxieties so that I can continue living and working in this world without being haunted every second by the specter of imminent global catastrophe. According to those who are not quite as terrified about the current “situation” as I am, this ability to mentally isolate negative thoughts is the key to functioning in a society that is trying very hard to destroy itself—and is essential if, like me, you’d rather not be an eyewitness to the end of civilization. 

But there I go again. 

Had I been able to compartmentalize the last half of the previous sentence, that whole “end of civilization” trope would have remained locked up in a tiny compartment in my brain, which would have allowed me to express—and possibly even experience!—a more positive thought, one that would help unfurl the knot at the base of my neck and calm, if only for a moment, the spasms of agony in my lower back. But no, I did not have the discipline to derail that dispiriting thought and park it under a protective mental portico somewhere near my hippocampus. Instead, I inadvertently lit up my cerebellum with “danger” signals that triggered a “fight or flight” response in my body, which made me run out the front door and around the block before I could even finish the damn sentence. 

For a writer, these sorts of interruptions are counterproductive, because it is difficult to write while one is running. That’s why runners don’t write, and vice-versa. In order to write, one must be able to sit for hours at a time immersed in quiet contemplation. But if, while one is contemplating, the horrifying reality of modern existence intrudes, it tends to dampen one’s desire to continue imagining bizarre new sexual situations for one’s heroine, and can even make a guy think that the world doesn’t need another trashy erotic thriller. Compared to the terror of the coronavirus, the lusty fetishes of a young White House news correspondent might not seem all that important anymore. But according to my therapist, if I can learn to compartmentalize those intrusive negative thoughts—to banish them in some private storage locker in my brain—then I can create room for more positive thoughts, and get back to contemplating the effect all these crazy erotic escapades are having on my character’s super-stimulated psyche.   

One popular compartmentalization technique I have been experimenting with lately is known as the “memory palace.” The idea here is to construct a “palace” in your mind—one with lots of rooms and a big, scary basement—where you can “store” negative thoughts and memories until you need them. Why negative thoughts need a room with a four-poster bed, 600-thread-count sheets and a bathroom with two sinks, I do not know. But the memory palace is a tried-and-true concept, so who am I to question what sort of accommodations a negative thought needs in order to stay put, where it can’t hurt anyone?

Constructing a memory palace is harder than you might think, however. The first thing I discovered right out of the gate is that I can’t afford anything close to a palace, and, because my mind is so cluttered with useless information, I would have nowhere to put one anyway. Instead, I drained what was left of my meagre savings and constructed a memory “shed,” one complete with nifty cubbyholes for all kinds of debilitating thoughts, as well as a table outfitted with a large C-clamp for particularly unruly feelings of rage and despair. I even built a trap door in the floor to store anything that might lead to homicide or arson, and secured the whole thing with a sturdy “Master” padlock I purchased at Walmart mere moments before yelling at one of their “greeters” to stop being so goddamn friendly. 

Once my memory shed was set up, however, it’s shortcomings became immediately apparent. Turns out a negative thought stuffed into a cubbyhole can just waltz right out anytime it wants to. Then all it has to do is ooze through a crack in the door and it’s out, free to roam your psyche like a hitchhiker on quaaludes. 

To fix the problem, my therapist advised building small doors to cover the cubbyholes, which I did. It took two months, though, and required several trips to the hardware store to get the right kind of hinges and some tasteful little knobs, in case I ever want to open a closed cubbyhole on the off chance that I forget what’s inside. The knobs were a little spendy, though, so I had to use what was left of my government stimulus check and, come dinner time, had to scrounge half a sandwich out of the dumpster behind the local Subway shop. 

Now normally, dumpster diving for my dinner would have occasioned a cascade of negative thoughts: This is disgusting. Eating out of a trash can is beneath me. You’re an idiot for not bringing a flashlight. I wonder if the Sbarro dumpster is any better? Did something move over there? Should I eat it, too?— that kind of thing. Fortunately, after some expert professional guidance, I was able to “cubbyhole” those negative thoughts and enjoy a discarded meatball sub, albeit one with the top half missing, and half a bag of Sun Chips. 

Using a memory shed requires practice, however, and I am admittedly a novice. Stuffing a shitty sandwich into a cubbyhole is fairly easy, but other things present more of a challenge. Notice here that I used the word “challenge” instead of a far more accurate word like “problem” or “headache.” That’s because my therapist has encouraged me to look at the “bright” side of things, and has urged me to “reframe” the way I think about things by using words that mean the opposite of what I really feel. So in the parlance of psychological health, cubbyholes are not for storing “problems” or “trauma,” they are for storing “challenges” and “opportunities” that one simply hasn’t capitalized on yet. Likewise, “anxiety” and “panic” are not your body’s way of telling you that you’re about to die, they just nature’s way of insisting that you care too much about living. Because in nature, as it turns out, there are plenty of things worse than dying, and nature doesn’t want you to miss out. The “challenge” is deciding which form of terror you prefer. 

Anyway, once I attached all the little cubbyhole doors in my memory shed, I began filling the cubbies with challenges I’d rather forget about. At first, it was small things, like touching my face, wearing a mask, germs at the grocery store, social distancing, Zoom meetings, kids, neighbors, the mailman, mail, haircuts, exercise and family. Then I started cramming in larger challenges, like personal bankruptcy, homelessness, hunger, lack of healthcare, crumbling infrastructure, political gridlock, wildfires, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, vape lung, and those really hot days when you just know your air-conditioning is going to go out. 

The cubbies filled up fast, so I started piling the even bigger challenges on the floor of my memory shed, and stacking the really awful stuff on the workbench. By the time I’d finished with the death of democracy, global economic collapse, war with China, dying bees, melting glaciers, guns, idiots, and Sudoku, there wasn’t much room left for the really big things, like climate change, mass extinction, disappointing Greta, and a sudden, inexplicable explosion of the sun. So I stacked everything as efficiently as possible, cramming potential crises and calamities wherever I could. But even then I had no room left for other “essentials” I was supposedto put in the shed, like childhood trauma, drug dependency, gambling issues, alcoholism and an allegedly weird preference for clothes made of Kevlar. 

Once I’d built my memory shed and filled it with thoughts and memories I desperately needed to control in order to refocus my attention on the illicit desires of a seemingly sweet young journalist looking for lust in the halls of American power, I shut the main door and locked it. 

Now, per the instructions of a highly paid professional who shall remain nameless, I was ready to use my memory shed. Trouble was, I immediately began forgetting where I’d put things. So, for instance, if I wanted to retrieve a stored thought about, say, my fear of Mitch McConnell, I’d open up the cubbyhole where I thought I’d put him and boom, out would pop a sneaking suspicion that Alexa is listening to everything my wife and I say about Donald Trump. (Which is all good, of course. Why wouldn’t it be?) And once, I snuck a peek inside a cubby where I thought I’d stored my hatred of Tom Petty, only to find a cubby full of paranoia about what 5G radio frequencies might be doing to my brain. 

Long story short, it didn’t take long for my memory shed to turn into a huge “challenge” of its own. That’s because one day I left a serious concern about the deregulation of fracking too close to that exploding sun thing and poof, the whole shed went up in flames. No warning. Nothing I could do. All that work, up in smoke.

With nowhere to store all my negative thoughts and memories, I had a rough few days. Said and did a few things I will probably come to regret. But with some expert professional guidance, I have been encouraged to think of the whole memory-shed debacle as an “opportunity” rather than a complete psychological clusterfuck of monumentally epic proportions. 

And you know what? It worked. Suddenly, out of nowhere, having “reframed” my “problem,” I arrived at the perfect solution. As it turns out, the memory shed was a mistake all along. 

What I really need is a memory “bunker,” someplace deep underground and fortified by thick walls of American steel that can prevent even the most terrifying thoughts from escaping. So that’s what I’m building now. In addition to impenetrable walls, my memory bunker is going to be outfitted with hydraulic titanium doors that can withstand an atomic blast, and every last millimeter of it will be hermetically sealed to keep out any renegade spores of the novel coronavirus, which gets less novel by the day. It will even have a secure dungeon of sorts, where I can safely store a lifetime’s worth of homicidal rage and keep in check a whole range of potentially destructive feelings about the Electoral College. 

It’s going to take a while to fill in all the details, but building my memory bunker has already given me peace of mind. Just knowing that I will have a place to store unwanted thoughts and memories is comforting. And knowing that I can toss any troubling thought down there, pressure-lock the door and forget about it—well, that’s empowering. 

Indeed, my outlook on life has changed completely. Now, I look forward to the day when I can return with a clear head and full heart to my sex-starved heroine, whose voracious sensual appetites get her into all sorts of situations that would make any normal woman blush and faint. But it’s also how she uncovers such great stories. For her, desire and deadlines go hand in hand—or hand in anywhere, really—so there is no separating the two, especially if there are handcuffs involved. In the latest chapter, she has just met president Donald Trump behind the bleachers of a MAGA rally, and she appears to have caught his eye. What will happen next, I don’t quite know yet. All I can tell you that it is going to involve some hijinks in the Rose Garden and eventually end up in a scene involving extra hand sanitizer, a few Chinese love toys, and direct access to the nuclear launch codes. 

Before I seal my heroine’s fate, though, I need to finish my memory bunker. Because if there is even a sliver of a chance that my suppressed fear, anger and memories might once again intrude on the happy, healthy life I am trying to lead,Iwill be the one to explode. And that would not be good for my heroine, who needs me to guide her into her next adventure, and to make sure that she is wearing a mask at all times. Because when Mitch McConnell walks into the room, everyone needs a few extra layers of protection.

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Life Spinning Out of Control? Uh, Get Used to It

Woman who doesn’t want to be a fox or a deer.

Woman who doesn’t want to be a fox or a deer.

According to psychologists, one of the most difficult things Americans will have to face as a result of the coronavirus pandemic is the sudden and overwhelming realization that they have lost control of their lives. Indeed, what the pandemic is teaching us all is that the whole idea of “control” is an illusion, and that anyone who thinks they have control over anything anymore is kidding themselves. 

The people hardest hit by this harshest of truths will of course be those who thought they had their lives under control before the pandemic. These people worked hard, lost sleep, met deadlines, saved, invested, and followed the advice of experts, but everything still went to shit. 

Now what?, they are wondering. I was on top of the world, master of my universe, and now I’m stuck at home all day watching the national infection map get redder and redder, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it! My life is no longer my own. The freedoms I once enjoyed are fast becoming a distant memory. Soon, I might even die. Life as I once knew it is gone, and now I am trapped inside with my family, a group of misfits who, I now realize, are tragically ill-equipped to live with each other. 

So, having lost the sense of order and superiority that once gave their lives meaning, many dismayed masters of the pre-corona universe are wondering: What can I do to regain control of this awful situation?

 

Sorry, No More Serenity

Unfortunately, conventional, pre-corona advice isn’t much help in this regard. Before viral mayhem shut America down, the healthiest response to overwhelming feelings of helplessness was something akin to the so-called “Serenity Prayer”: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” 

Sadly, this once-useful advice is now obsolete. We are all now being asked to accept that we can’t change much of anything anymore, and not much wisdom is needed to realize that no matter how courageous you might be, your heroism is no match for an invisible spore. Go ahead, try not touching your face for an hour. It’s impossible. And so, you may think, you are doomed. 

But all is not lost. 

Fortunately, those of us who lost control of our lives a long time ago are in an excellent position to offer some helpful advice to our control-freaked-out brethren. Uncertainty and chaos may reign outside the home, but inside, away from the scrutiny of neighbors, there are still areas of life where one can exert a great deal of control.  

 

Stuff You Can Still Control

For example, at mealtime, it is almost entirely under your control how much salt you decide to sprinkle on your food. None, a little, a lot—it’s entirely up to you. That is, unless the person who prepared the meal already salted it too much, in which case the decision has already been made for you. You can still try to cut through the saltiness with a little sugar or vinegar, but now you’re not in control anymore, you’re reacting, and you don’t want that. Therefore, the best thing to do in order to maintain control of the salt situation is to prepare all of your own food. That way, no one but you can mess with the sodium content of your meals, and your sense of control in this area of life will be complete.

Parents trapped inside their homes with a brood of bored, needy children who want to be entertained every second of the day are likely to feel the loss of control most acutely. Once upon a time, work provided a much-needed respite from these ungrateful cretins, but now parents’ lives are ruled by them. Some parents may feel guilty about not being able to protect their children from the mortal dread outside, but that—as we have already determined—is not something parents can control anymore. 

What stressed-out parents need to remember in the coming weeks is that kids don’t always need to be comforted; sometimes, they just need to be yelled at. And one thing parents can control is how loud they yell at their children. A parent may start yelling at a moderate volume, for instance, but if that doesn’t get results, there is always the option of yelling louder. And if that doesn’t get results, parents can yell louder still. The upper limit is a kind of shriek-scream that alarms the neighbors, but that can easily be followed by a low growl that slowly builds into yet another crescendo of castigation that should—if executed correctly—stun those little shits into silence, if only for a minute or two. 

Another thing people imprisoned in their homes can control is how tight they tie their shoelaces. Tie them as loose or as tight as you want; nobody can take the right to decide your own shoelace tension away from you. A snug but comfortable-fitting shoe is a welcome balm in these troubled times. And if on your daily walk your shoelaces happen to get a little loose, it is absolutely in your control to stop, kneel down, and tighten them, using whatever lacing method you prefer. Such a small freedom may have seemed unimportant a week ago, but now you should revel it. Feel free to take as much time as you need to get those laces just right, because as soon as you’re done, you’ll have no choice but to stand up and take another step forward into the abyss. 

 

Room for Even More Control

Speaking as someone who lost control of their life a long time ago, it’s not hard to understand why people who thought they had control over their lives are suddenly panicking. It’s jarring to wake up and realize, all over again, each and every day, that nothing in your life is going as planned. Still, no matter how bad things get outside, and no matter how helpless you feel in the face of your impending annihilation, it’s important to remember that there are things in your life that you can still control. 

For example, those of us who are experienced in the art of utter helplessness learned a long time ago one of the few places a person can still feel moderately in control of anything is in the bathroom. Sure, your wife may be forcing you to take a shower and shave, but the one thing she can’t control—but you can—is how much toilet paper you decide to use in any given ass wipe. Again, this may sound like a small thing, but it is not—because it is a decision over which you have complete control. 

Do you want to conserve your toilet-paper supply and try to wipe with as few tissue squares as possible? Do you want to try to finish the job in one stroke? Or is today the day you treat yourself to a generous fistful of Charmin and enjoy, if only for a moment, the gentle, pillow-soft caress of that crumpled cloud on your private-est of parts? It’s entirely up to you. In that decisive moment between urgent elimination and the inevitable flush, you are the master of your domain, the king of your porcelain throne. No one can tell you how much or how little toilet paper to use; you are in control. Nor can anyone tell you how to wipe. Back-to-front, front-to-back, side-to-side, up and down—that’s between you and your hand, no one else. And the decision to pull a fresh wad off the roll, or two or three? Entirely up to you. 

So if you’re sitting at home reading this and feeling like the whole world is spinning out of control, just remember: it’s important to simmer in this feeling and get used to it, because it’s not going away anytime soon. There are however a few small areas of your life that you can still control, so make the most of them. Because when the shit really does hit the fan, the freedom to wipe as you wish may be the last true freedom you enjoy for a very long time.###

The Billionaire Bunker Question: Who Gets to Survive?

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It’s no secret that I am in the market for an underground bunker to wait out the apocalypse. But I don’t want just any bunker; I want the kind of luxury “doomsday bunker” that is becoming ever more popular with billionaires these days—a bunker with a gym, swimming pool, sauna, Jacuzzi, tennis court, movie theater, wet bar, dry bar, cereal bar, karaoke bar, sand bar, private chef, masseuse, library, smoking lounge, wine cellar, coffee shop, arcade, ping-pong table, golf simulator and casino. I’d also like a meditation garden, dog park, and fly-fishing pool, but if space gets tight I’d settle for a bocce ball court, or maybe a patch of grass to play lawn darts. 

I know, I know—this all may seem a bit much. But if these amenities seem extravagant to you, it’s probably because you are not a billionaire. There won’t be much to do after the world burns and everyone else is gone, so things could get pretty boring down there, one-hundred feet below the earth’s scorched surface, while we wait for the radioactive dust to settle. We’ll need to entertain ourselves in the interim, so including a few extras to help pass the time is not unreasonable. After all, there’s no law that says life in an underground bunker has to be miserable. But there is a law that says billionaires can build whatever they want, wherever they want, however they want, and no one can say a damn thing about it. This will be especially true after everyone else in the world is dead, so it’s not something we as a class tend to worry about. 

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Tad, you’re not a billionaire, so why did you use the word “we” in the previous sentence? Let me explain: 

I used “we” because, although I am not a billionaire yet, I intend to be one by the time the world ends. There’s plenty of money to be made in pre-apocalyptic capitalism, and I have a surefire idea: I am going to start a construction business that builds moats and drawbridges around the estates of the fabulously wealthy to keep the torch-and-pitchfork crowd out. The motto on the side of my truck is going to be: “High-tech security is fine, but for true peace of mind, you gotta go medieval on their ass!”

This will be fun, for a while. But at some point the world will collapse into apocalyptic mayhem and all us billionaires will have no choice but to retreat to our bunkers and wait. For how long, no one knows, which is why it is so important to have a number of entertainment options available. That’s why so many billionaires have been putting off watching “Game of Thrones”; they know there will be plenty of time to see it after the atmosphere is incinerated and (spoiler alert!) nuclear winter has indeed arrived. 

Elite entertainment facilities will be especially important in luxury-bunker complexes designed to house more than one family of billionaires and their respective support staffs. Billionaires need a great deal of support (otherwise they go crazy), so there will be plenty to do if you are a valued personal chef, masseuse, chiropractor, nanny, astrologist, or psychic to the super-rich. But billionaires themselves—especially captains of industry who made their fortunes building multi-national corporations—will have to find other ways to amuse themselves. 

The problem is that billionaires currently spend most of their time building their businesses, managing their investments, and trying to persuade reasonable people to think unreasonable things. But when everyone else in the world is gone, there will be no customers, no need for businesses, no use for money, and the sort of intellectual jujitsu billionaires use to justify their good fortune will fall on dead ears. Without businesses to build and competition to conquer, billionaires will have nothing to do. Their skill set will be obsolete. And for many, transitioning to a life of perpetual leisure is going to take at least a week or two, so it will be important to keep them/us occupied. No one wants to be locked in a room with a bunch of restless billionaires, because with so many dicks swinging around in a confined space, someone could get hurt. 

The point is, without a multinational conglomerate to run or some massive hedge fund to manage, billionaires will need to take up a hobby of some sort; otherwise they’ll go nuts. Personally, I look forward to the day when I can devote more time to my music and recording career. My bunker is going to include a fully equipped music studio, where I will record the catalog of post-apocalyptic ballads I plan to write. Songs like “Suck It, World,” “Eat My Dust (‘Cause That’s All That’s Left),” “Warm Enough for Ya?,” and one I’m sure will be an instant hit among my bunker-mates: “Boom, Boom, Boom, Ha, Ha, Ha.”

Survival isn’t just about staying alive, after all, it’s about being alive when everyone else is dead. And what better way to honor our good fortune than to sing about it at the top of our lungs! Earlier generations were taught that survival means huddling in a dingy basement for months at a time, eating nothing but canned beans and saltines. But our generation is proving that it doesn’t have to be that way. Survival can be fun. In fact, if we do it right, life without millions of testy rabble-rousers outside can be pretty fantastic. It certainly doesn’t need to be depressing. For billionaires, avoiding the post-apocalyptic hellscape should be cause for celebration. Let’s not forget, if we are locked in our bunkers with no way out, it means we won civilization! We kicked Mother Nature’s ass! Hell, we even beat the oceans! Deep in our bunkers, protected by six-feet of steel-reinforced concrete, we will finally be free to enjoy the rewards of all that winning. 

Of course, having written all of this, I’ve gone and gotten myself all excited about life after life as we used to know it. I just need a year or two to get my moat-and-drawbridge business up and running, and another year or two to build my awesome bunker. After that, I don’t much care what happens to the rest of the world, because my existential exit strategy includes several cases of Glenlivet XXVand everything Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime ever streamed. Watching these shows won’t just be idle entertainment, either—it will be important, because many are cautionary tales about how not to destroy civilization, if and when we get another chance. I’m also looking forward to watching the whole “Mad Max” series again, to see how accurate it was. 

I used to worry about climate change, nuclear weapons, loss of biodiversity, biological superbugs and all the rest. But now that I have a plan for surviving the apocalypse, I look forward to hanging out with my billionaire buddies and sharing stories about those heady days of yore, when making money was as easy as picking up the phone and calling your lobbyist. The only thing I worry about is what’s going to happen when all those hundred-millionaires out there want an awesome doomsday bunker too. You know, people like Tiger Woods, Tom Brady, Gwyneth Paltrow, Roger Federer, and Bono. I’m sure they’re all nice people, but I’m sorry, if you haven’t made at least a billion dollars in your time on earth, the question has to be asked: Do you deserve to live?

From where I plan to be sitting—in my chiropractically amazing luxury recliner, sipping the liquid gold that is The Macallan 1926—the answer is no. Because you know exactly what is going to happen—they’ll burn through a hundred-million or so trying to keep up with the likes of Gates and Bezos, then come whining to us for money. Subsidizing the existence of a bunch of ex-celebrities and sports stars is not what me and my billionaire friends want to be doing during the down time between the end of the last civilization and the beginning of the next one. Besides, we’ll have all their best work in the archive, available for viewing any time, so why would we even need them? 

Answer: We wouldn’t. All we need is us, a little entertainment, and a well-trained support staff to survive in the style to which we’ve become accustomed. And are entitled to. Because, you know, we won life, and deserve to enjoy what’s left of it.###

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Solve America's Billionaire Problem

Image: Pixabay

Image: Pixabay

My research team has analyzed the apocalyptic array of calamities facing our country (income inequality, stagnant wages, climate change, mosquito-born illnesses, too many labradoodles, etc.) and concluded that the fundamental problem in American society—the common denominator to all of these issues—boils down this: Rich people have gotten lazy.

The ultra-rich, multi-billionaire class in particular has succumbed to the seductions of sloth, and their indolence is imperiling the very foundations of American life.

Sure, the mega-rich may have worked hard for a while, toiling twenty hours a day to invent revolutionary products and technologies, overcoming obstacles with their indomitable spirit and entrepreneurial zeal, amassing their giant fortunes in relentless pursuit of the American Dream. Once they achieve The Dream, however, rich people tend to slow down. When their goals have been met and their wildest fantasies realized, they begin basking in luxury, coasting along on a plush carpet of cash, as if their work is done and they are now free to enjoy the fruits of their labor. Slowly but surely, their once-vibrant hunger to succeed is replaced by the insidious satisfaction of success itself, a condition of the soul that's as addictive as it is dangerous.

The symptoms are obvious. Once-vital captains of industry start sleeping late and hiring other people to serve them. They begin enjoying “leisure” time—i.e., time when they are not working—looking for ever-more-exotic ways to amuse themselves. After they’ve bought everything they want, and traveled everywhere there is to go, they end up shuffling around their mansions all day, their eyes glazed with boredom, unsure what eccentric pastime to take up next.

It’s quite sad. After their first billion, many tycoons gain twenty or thirty extra pounds (the so-called “billionaire bump”) and start taking long vacations on private islands where there isn’t much incentive to do anything. The more time they spend in these places, the less inclined they are to get back to work, creating a destructive cycle of inactivity and, ultimately, despair. The fire in their belly gradually dies out, and the energy and ideas that once sustained them—that once made them feel alive—become nothing more than fond memories.

The mega-rich aren’t the only ones suffering, though. Indeed, this epidemic of laziness among those larded with lucre is hurting us all. 

Consider: The mega-rich entrepreneurial and business elite are the most productive people in the world. They’ve created millions of jobs, built our modern society, kept the economy humming, and represent for all of us the virtue of hard work and the rewards that come with a well-funded, highly diversified stock portfolio. But now that a whole class of our most productive citizens are coasting, taking the foot off the gas pedal that got them there, they are slowing the rest of us down as well. The only remedy for this problem is to get our most productive citizens back in the game, doing what they do best: inventing products, providing solutions, building companies, and creating the glorious wealth to which all American citizens are entitled.

But how?

The solution to all of these problems (not to mention a few others) is deceptively simple. It lies in an innovative approach to capitalism called “re-capitalism,” which involves a radical restructuring of economic incentives that focuses on one essential goal: putting rich people back to work. 

The first step toward a re-capitalist society is to identify everyone in America who has a net worth of more than one-billion dollars.

The second step is to take all their money away. And I mean all of it—every last penny. Cash out all their stock options, liquidate all their assets, empty all of their bank accounts, and render them completely and utterly broke.

The last step in this innovative program is to give former billionaires a cardboard sign and a knapsack, drop them off at various freeway exits throughout the country, and wish them good luck.

I know what you’re thinking: Whoa there, cowboy, that’s income redistribution!

No, it’s not—it’s income re-capitalization. There’s a huge difference. If the income of billionaires were simply redistributed, there is a chance they could keep some of it. Income re-capitalization closes that loophole to ensure that former billionaires are stripped of everything, so that they can start over fresh, unencumbered by the baggage of their previous successes.

That’s ridiculous, you might say. Rich people would never go for it. And you’d be right, because, as I’ve been saying all along, rich people have gotten too soft and comfortable. But before you dismiss the idea entirely, ask yourself: Who is likely to be more motivated—a billionaire floating around on his yacht trying to figure out how to make his next billion, or a former billionaire who has lost it all and desperately wants to get it back?

This isn’t as cruel a proposition as it might seem. Remember, rich people are extremely smart and resourceful. They got rich once; they can do it again. And they don’t need luck, because they are goal-oriented self-starters who make their own luck. The only problem is that they are already rich, so they have no incentive to get rich. They’ve lost their can-do attitude because they’ve gone and done it. Re-capitalism simply puts the incentives back in the right place, giving rich people the motivation to go out and do what they do best—get rich, again.

They may protest at first, but trust me, the mega-rich will eventually embrace re-capitalism. By forcing rich people to once again pull themselves up by their bootstraps, they would rediscover the entrepreneurial spirit that once gave their lives meaning and purpose. And, by broadcasting their path out of poverty and back into the billionaire winner’s circle on the Internet, these über-citizens would provide us all with inspiring examples of how one person with no money and resources can, with the right attitude, get rich by sheer force of will.

The benefits to society would be immense. Just think what Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg might accomplish if they gave more than a portion of their wealth away, but instead were forced to cough up all of their money and start all over again? Gates might invent a computer operating system that never needs upgrading. Zuckerberg might invent an entirely new form of social interaction in which people abandon their computers altogether and gather in the same room to talk.

Imagine how inspiring it would be for aging baby boomers who can’t afford retirement to see Warren Buffett and Sheldon Adelson standing on the side of the road, strategizing bold plans to recapture the glory of their younger years.

Think of all the good that could happen if all six members of the Walton family—who have more money than the bottom 42 percent of Americans combined—gave all their money away to the bottom 42 percent and started over? Almost half of all Americans would see their income double instantaneously, and then they’d be able to witness firsthand how the Waltons use their wit and guile to scratch their way up from the bottom and once again become the richest people in the country—as they inevitably would.

Following their lead, the rest of America would be inspired to work harder and be more productive, just like the Waltons. The Waltons themselves would rediscover the value of hard work (a value they have likely forgotten), and would be seen as heroes for leading the greatest productivity surge in American history—simply by showing poor people how it’s done!

Of course, implementing such a plan would not be easy. The rich have gotten much lazier than they are willing to admit, and have become addicted to the creature comforts and privileges of great wealth. And, like all addicts, they’ll do anything they can think of to avoid going back to work. And believe me, they’ve come up with some howlers.

For instance, most rich people like to argue that income and capital-gains taxes are way too high, and that if they go much higher, super-productive rich people will have no incentive to work. But that’s patently ridiculous, a) because they already don’t work, and b) because—as every conservative knows—handing people money to work harder is absurd. You wouldn’t give a homeless person $200 million and expect them to go out and bust their ass at a job for eighteen hours a day. No, the only thing that gives people an incentive to work is the fear of grinding poverty—and that fear is precisely what the mega-moneyed billionaire class has lost.

For the good of the country, it’s time to pull our most productive citizens out of their palatial estates, jolt them out of their diamond-studded bliss, and put them back to work. The fact is, society is not getting enough value out of its most capable capitalists, and that needs to change. They are the ones who got society where it is today, after all. They invented all these fantastic cars, mesmerizing gizmos, and shiny kitchen appliances, giving us all an intoxicating glimpse at utopia. Which is great. But in their zeal to serve the public interest, a few of our most magnificent magnates of money-dom forgot to clean up after themselves. They can’t just abandon us now, in our time of need, when the planet is in peril and life as we know it is on the brink of extinction. The job isn’t finished. In order to get out of all the messes we’ve gotten ourselves into, we need these paragons of productivity to work some more of their entrepreneurial magic—to sprinkle the pixie dust of prosperity on everyone, so that we can all shop at Whole Foods and feel good about the future.

Certainly, losing everything might sting at first, but remember: these are positive, resilient, extraordinary people. In no time they would realize that they didn’t “lose” all their money at all; rather, they gained an opportunity to reinvent themselves and rediscover the joy of building a business from the ground up, starting with nothing. In a matter of years, they would all be billionaires again anyway—because that’s not only what they do; it’s who they are—and experiencing the satisfaction of success the second time around would be that much sweeter.

Through the miracle of re-capitalism, the rich and lazy receive a reward much more valuable than money: they get to re-experience the sense of self-worth that comes from amassing so much wealth that most people can’t even imagine it. When the rush of economic victory courses through their veins once again, there is little doubt that the crazy rich will embrace a “new normal” by voluntarily giving all their money away every time they reach the billionaire mark, and happily start over again with a cardboard sign and a knapsack.

Once re-capitalism re-energizes the economy and everyone in America has a chance to learn from the masters, new forms of status will inevitably take hold. The size of one’s bank account will no longer matter; what will say, “I am filthy rich,” is the number of times a person has reached the billion-dollar-mark and had to start over, without so much as a hot shower to wipe the stink off.

Another added benefit to this program is that the next time you see some scruffy-looking fellow at a freeway intersection holding up a cardboard sign, you might not feel so bad for him. You could say to yourself: There’s one of those former billionaires. I can’t wait to see how he succeeds.

And you, of course, would feel inspired, not depressed, as you roll through the light and leave them in your dust.

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide for Sociopaths, Deviants, and Cheapskates

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The holiday season presents special challenges for people who, by a simple quirk of mental wiring, are psychologically incapable of giving anything to anyone for any reason without wondering what’s in it for them. I’m talking about children, of course, as well as sociopaths, cheapskates, and people for whom the whole idea of “giving” is a betrayal of everything they stand for. 

 Fortunately, the phrase, “it’s the thought that counts,” offers the generosity-challenged a way to give “thoughtful” gifts without spending a dime. Here are just a few gift ideas for this special population of holiday misfits, most* of which are totally legal:

 

Leftover medications*

If you’ve recently had surgery, or have simply come to the conclusion that you don’t need all those meds anymore, gifting your leftover pharmaceuticals to a family member is a great way to re-purpose them. Nothing says “I love you” more intoxicatingly than a generous supply of Oxycontin, and everyone appreciates having half a bottle of Ambien around to help ease the strain of the holidays. The best part: If you ever need to dull the pain of your pitiful existence, or just get some extra shut-eye, you can always steal some pills back when you need them.  

*Technically illegal, but nobody cares.

 

Used shoes

Everyone has several pairs of gently used shoes in their closet—ones that seemed like a good purchase at the time, but in retrospect turned out to be a tragic fashion mistake. Such “pre-worn” footwear makes an excellent gift for that special someone in your family who doesn’t have enough old shoes in their own closet. To stretch out the fun on Christmas morning, wrap the shoes separately, hide them around the house, and have a family treasure hunt!

 

A Clump of Dirt

Giving your beloved a modest-sized clump of dirt may not sound like the best gift in the world, but it can be. The secret is in how you present it. Don’t skimp on the size of the clump—it should be anywhere from six inches to a foot in diameter, and weigh at least a pound or two. When your sweetheart opens the special Amazon box you’ve put it in, frowns, and says, “What’s this? A clump of dirt?,” you say: “No, my love muffin, that is our future. At great personal risk, I excavated that precious piece of soil from an acre of prime real estate on which I intend to one day build our dream home.” From there, you can embellish the story however you want. The important thing is to sell the story hard; otherwise, your beloved will misunderstand and think you gave her a dirt clod. And that’s just stupid.

 

A Shiny Rock

Much like a clump of dirt, a decent-sized rock can be an excellent free gift—if it is accompanied by a convincing enough story. The key to successful rock-giving is wrapping it in a story that tells the recipient: “I was thinking of you when I found this.” As always, plausible embellishment is the key. Let’s say you found a cool rock on the beach. That’s a good start. But when your true love opens it on Xmas morning, you have so say something like: “Long before I met you, my huggy-wuggy moon peach, I found myself strolling on a beach in Corfu at sunset, alone, forlorn, and unloved. Just as the sun slipped below the horizon, a golden flash of light glinted off this very rock, and I picked it up. It was strangely warm—comforting almost—and I swore at that moment that I would give it to my soul mate when I found her. And now I have.” 

People who believe in all that destiny/soul-mate nonsense will fall for this trick every time—especially if the rock has some quartz in it, in which case you can also claim that it has some mystical healing qualities, if they just rub in in the right places. 

 

Media Recommender (kid-friendly)

Kids—an excellent free gift for parents who are too busy to watch TV is to offer to be their “Media Recommender.” Your official responsibilities in this capacity would be to watch everything on Netflix, Hulu, HBO, Showtime, and Amazon, and report back on shows your parents might be interested in watching sometime in the future, when they are not so busy. A great side benefit is that when your parents ask you to do the dishes or yell at you to take out the trash or mow the lawn or clean up your room, you can say that you are “busy” too, researching binge-worthy shows they might like. Remind them that this service is the “gift” you gave them, and lay it on thick about how you didn’t give this gift lightly, and how seriously you take the responsibility of media recommending, and why they should to. Then recommend that they watch all six seasons “House of Cards,” which will buy you plenty of time to figure out what to give them on their anniversary. 

Food Tester (kid-friendly)

Sure, the FDA may issue warnings about deadly e.coli bacteria lurking in your lettuce, but the truth is that it’s impossible to know when food is safe to eat. That’s why one of the most thoughtful presents you can give is an offer to be your parents’ “food tester.” For centuries, kings and queens have employed people to taste their food to make sure it isn’t poisoned, so what you’re really doing in this case is treating your parents like royalty. At every meal, then, you would take an extra chunk of steak off of each of your parents’ plates, a few dollops of mashed potatoes, and maybe a green bean or two. Dessert would have to be tested too, of course, as would any wine they choose to drink. If you are underage and your parents object to the wine testing, simply put a few drops of something called “syrup of ipecac” in their glass (you can find it in the medicine cabinet). When they finish vomiting, remind your parents that they should have let you taste the wine first. 

Ghostbuster (kid-friendly)

As we age, we naturally become more aware of death, and hence more wary of ghosts—that is, demons and spirits on the “other side” who may be waiting to exact their revenge on us for things we did to them in the physical world. Grandparents especially hate ghosts, because they dread being held accountable for the people they screwed to “get ahead” in life. That’s why offering to be their “ghostbuster” is such as welcome gift. To make the gift even more welcome, shortly after Thanksgiving you should start going to your grandparents’ house every so often in the middle of the night to knock a few paintings off the wall, flash the lights on and off, scratch on the walls, and maybe bang a few pots and pans around. By the time Xmas comes around, your offer to get rid of the ghosts in your grandparents’ house will seem like the perfect gift—just what they need to slip peacefully into the great beyond.  

Corporate Swag

If you are one of the many miserly sociopaths who also happens to be a high-functioning corporate executive, you are in luck, because you can give people an almost unlimited amount of company swag—t-shirts, mugs, water bottles, pens, bags, etc.—at no cost to you. Swag-gifting is also great for people with narcissistic personality disorder, because the merchandise is branded with your company’s logo, ensuring that every time the recipient looks at their generous pile of gift swag, they will think of you, the respected corporate titan who raided the company’s swag closet on their behalf. Nothing says “I care about you” more ambiguously than a professionally branded squishy brain, and nothing gratifies a narcissistic gift-giver more than enjoying the appearanceof generosity without wasting the time and money necessary to actually begenerous. That’s a win-win any sociopathic capitalist can celebrate.  

 

Personal Assassin*

Everyone has someone in their life that they wish they could kill, but social norms and an intolerant legal system make murder a lot more difficult than it ought to be. To turn this particular lemon into lemonade, pick a neutral greeting card from Walgreens and use it to write a nice note explaining that you will, within the next calendar year, dispatch and disappear any person they choose, as long as that person isn’t you. (Because that would be suicide, technically speaking, and you are only offering assassination.) True, murder can get a little spendy if you rely on expensive weaponry. Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to kill someone using just your bare hands. Watch a few Youtube videos on the subject and pick the method that best suits your personality and grip strength. 

*May require some sneaking around after dark.

 Happy Holidays! (Whatever that means.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing Matters Anymore. Sweet!

Image by LazyKitty15 @ Deviantart.com

Image by LazyKitty15 @ Deviantart.com

What with the president endorsing the demonization and murder of journalists, Ivanka imitating Hillary Clinton’s email habits, and the average American’s belief that “Yemen” is an Asian noodle soup dish popular among college students, it’s clearer than ever that nothing matters anymore, and that the norms and values that once guided civilized society no longer apply. 

For me, personally, this is a huge relief. 

Throughout my entire life, my behavior has been unfairly (and now, it turns out, unnecessarily) restricted by certain societal “norms” and “values” about what I should and should not be allowed to do. It started early, with my parents constantly telling me no, I could not throw my food, and no, I could not put my hamster Harry in the microwave. Then it escalated, with bizarre rules about bedtime, and their illogical insistence that I stop wearing diapers and start using the bathroom. Even at the tender age of eight, I knew that diapers were a superior solution to the whole body-fluid evacuation problem, because they went everywhere I went, and bathrooms did not. Yet my parents—and yes, society—insisted that I start hunting around for stationary toilets every time I needed to tinkle, which is an obvious waste of time given modern advances in diaper-absorption technology. 

Thankfully, I am now approaching the age when I can comfortably return to having a portable bathroom attached to my ass everywhere I go—and, thanks to Donald Trump, it will no longer matter when and where I use it. If I am having dinner with friends at a fancy restaurant, and they object to the smell, I can now say with shameless confidence, “I am America and you are not, so shut up.” Before, I would have had to leave the table to go use the restroom; now, I can sit in one place all night long and enjoy my meal, and if the people around me don’t like it, theycan leave the table—which, of course, leaves more food and wine for me. 

Score one for discarded norms. 

In school, too, I was forced to endure an insane regimen of classes and homework, all to turn me into a productive, tax-paying citizen. But now that everyone knows the path to riches is through inherited wealth, insider trading, and bankruptcy court—and that paying taxes is for chumps—all of that effort to “learn” things in school has been exposed for the ridiculous charade it was. 

Sadly, for many years I believed the whole absurd notion that being “smart” was better than being stupid, and that smart people lead better, richer lives than stupid people, because smart people can “reflect” on the rich tapestry of their lives, whereas stupid people can do nothing but carpet their luxurious penthouses with costly tapestries that cannot think, but feel wonderful underfoot. Growing up, I was taught that “the unexamined life is not worth living,” when the truth is, the “examined life” isn’t worth anything either, especially if you examine it way too much, in which case there are only two possible outcomes: a Ph.D. or rehab. Even now, the herders of American democracy are instructing us all to become “lifelong learners,” when it is abundantly clear that education makes people poorer, especially if they take out loans to pay for it. Thankfully, now that I know the only reasonable thing to do with “intelligence” is to ignore it, I look forward to a life of blissful, unexamined ignorance—the kind of life I should have been living all along. 

RULES + NORMS = BOREDOM

The problem with rules and norms is that they tend to make life a lot less fun. Take driving, for instance. The “rules of the road” in America dictate that people should drive in lanes where the rest of traffic is headed in the same general direction. But where is the fun in that? Where is the challenge? I can tell you from personal experience that it is much more rewarding to fire up a joint and drive in the opposite direction, dodging cars that are coming toward you—exercising your reflexes and sharpening your response time—than it is to drive at the same speed in the same direction as everyone else. It’s also more life-affirming. Most people are bored and exhausted when they get home from work. But when I get home from a hard day at the office, I am juiced from adrenaline and simply grateful to be alive. Nothing is more fun than cheating death, and nothing is quite as satisfying as forcing some Lexus-driving nincompoop to swerve into a ditch. I used to get tickets and “warnings” from the police for my unorthodox driving preferences, but now that the rules of the road no longer matter, I am free to drive wherever and however I please. 

Another “norm” I will not miss is the whole idea of working and paying for stuff. For decades I have toiled to pay my mortgage and buy food for my family, when it turns out all I really had to do was inherit a few-hundred-million dollars and buy my own building. If you own your own building, you’re just a few fraudulent real-estate deals away from easy street. Throw in laundry service and a heated parking garage, and life gets even better. Toss in a few hookers, a casino, and a golf course, and boredom is a thing of the past. Add access to some nuclear launch codes and a shiny red button that’s just begging to be pushed, and the whole idea of working toward a better future begins to look pretty silly. 

For decades, American adults have been saddled with the responsibility of upholding nonsensical norms and other misguided “values” that make life a lot less entertaining. For instance, one of the biggest fun-killers in the world is being a parent. From the day they’re born, children are needy, narcissistic little shit-bags who instantly make it all about them, robbing their otherwise fun-loving parents of the freedom and joy that comes with not having children around. Before nothing mattered, people who sexed and procreated were expected to at least make an effort to feed, clothe, and yell at their spawn. But now, the breeding classes are blessedly free to outsource those duties however they please, often to grandparents who haven’t gotten the message yet that their efforts are a laughably anachronistic throwback to a time when people cared about the welfare of children and the importance of “family.” 

BLESSED FREEDOM

Alas, I am too old to take advantage of these newfangled freedoms, having already been duped into believing a bunch of 1980s nonsense about how “our children are the future.” Now that there is no future—or at least not one anybody is looking forward to—I envy the options young people have for dealing with the unfortunate consequences of unconscious and frequently inebriated coupling. Selling a newborn infant on the internet is easier than ever, for instance, and even the most obnoxious kids can fetch a decent price before the age of six, when they stop being so disarmingly cute. 

In these and many other ways, life in a world where nothing matters is bound to improve. Without even realizing it, most Americans have unwittingly sacrificed their freedom to live in a world with flush toilets, clean water, abundant food, smooth roads, 24-hour pharmacies, and semi-reliable internet service. Has it been worth the trouble? No, of course not. Life was meant to be brutal and short, not long and leisurely. Thankfully, now that nothing matters anymore, we as a people can abandon all that elitist nonsense about “society” and “culture,” and return to a blissful state of nature, where a kill-or-be-killed struggle for survival makes everything a lot more interesting. The exciting spontaneity of unfettered anarchy is something every American can learn to enjoy, especially the explosions and screaming, which will make every day seem like Independence Day.

The fun won’t last, of course. The moment things in this country approach an amusing level of apocalyptic mayhem, a bunch of buzz-killing busybodies will start arguing that we need to restore “order” and rebuild a society where things “matter” again. Then the whole cycle will repeat itself. Just be glad you live in an era of disintegrating values and norms, because the alternative is a life of boring predictability, where everyone does the same thing every day, nothing ever happens, everything is “appropriate,” and intolerable periods of peace and harmony stretch on for months. If these people get their way, an entire hellscape of reasonable competence could break out and ruin everything. 

DESTROY, REBUILD, REPEAT

If there’s one thing history has taught us, it’s that eras of extreme instability do not last. Wars come and go. Dictators get overthrown. Terrorists lose their nerve. People get tired of nonsense and start looking for “the truth” again. It’s all very disheartening. What most people don’t understand is that periods of public insanity should be savored, because the “adults” in the room will inevitably step in and shut the crazy fun times down. So enjoy it while it lasts, because—mark my words—the day will come when things start to matter again, and people dedicated to restoring order and civility will suddenly be everywhere, spreading their gospel of responsibility from sea to simmering sea. 

It’s frightening, I know. And I don’t want any part of it. But inevitably, the IRS will get its act together and start garnishing my wages. Then some dedicated do-gooder is going to knock on my door and serve me a subpoena, which is going to land me in front of some high-and-mighty judge who is obsessed with “justice,” and who has no sense of humor whatsoever about the idea of “civil disobedience,” especially when it is coupled with charges of public drunkenness and the “irresponsible” discharge of a “deadly” firearm. After being declared guilty by a kangaroo court, I expect that my freedoms will be stripped and I will be forced to make restitution by attending all sorts of meetings wherein I must pretend to regret my indiscretions, or risk banishment to a prison for the criminally creative—those of us who tried to make the most of our opportunities during that blessed period when nothing mattered and everything seemed possible, but whose innovations and breakthroughs caught the attention of federal agents suddenly swollen with a newfound sense of purpose. 

I do not look forward to any of this, which is why I don’t care nearly as much about the future as I do about the present. True, they say those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it—but the great thing about not learning any history is that you don’t knowwhen you’re repeating it, so it all seems brand spanking new! Best to enjoy it now, while the feeling is fresh, before some know-it-all intellectual comes along with a sad story about the fall of Rome, or some party-pooping scientist points out that your beach house is going to be underwater in fifty years. The good news is that bad news like that only matters in a world where people care about the future. In the world we’re enjoying now, the most prudent thing to do is ignore it all and hope that nothing suddenly starts to matter again—because when it does, the news won’t be quite as fun anymore, and neither will your life, or what’s left of it.### 

Explaining Republican Attitudes Toward Healthcare

Medical School Mural I, by Sam Blackman

Medical School Mural I, by Sam Blackman

With the mid-term elections coming up, healthcare has become a hot-button issue on the campaign trail. And while Democrats are preoccupied with preserving coverage for people with pre-existing conditions and providing “Medicare for all,” considerably less attention is being paid to the Republican perspective on healthcare. No one thinks to ask: When people get sick, what do Republicans think should happen to them?

The popular explanation for this oversight is that Republicans don’t get sick, owing to the fact that they eat a lot of red meat and avoid fresh vegetables—which, as everyone knows, contain liberal-leaning enzymes that affect people’s brains and make them want to shop at Whole Foods. If Republicans don’t get sick, the logic goes, they don’t need hospitals and doctors and all the fancy equipment that makes the American healthcare system such a Clinton-esque boondoggle. 

This theory is only partially true. Republicans do get sick—they just have radically different ideas about how to deal with their infirmities.

For example, one of the reasons that Republicans think Democrats are such weenies is that whenever they get a sniffle or a cough, Democrats go immediately to their doctor to find out what’s wrong. Their doctor tells them the obvious—that they have a cold—and charges the Democrat $80,000 for an insight that any reasonably competent Republican mother could have told them for free. To Republicans and their mothers, the whole “go see a doctor” trope is a scam, and if Democrats would just use some common sense when they get hives and start vomiting blood, they could save a lot of money. 

What Democrats don’t understand about attitudes toward healthcare on the other side of the aisle is that self-sufficiency is everything to Republicans. Only the weak need doctors and surgeons and nurses to help them when they are sick, and only the stupid would agree to pay thousands of dollars for services that any clever do-it-your-selfer could provide for less than twenty bucks. 

For example, if a Democrat breaks their leg and goes to the hospital to get it fixed, it’s going to cost them a small fortune. But when a Republican breaks their leg, they don’t immediately run to the nearest emergency room; instead, they find a helpful Youtube video and figure out how to set the break themselves. Chewing on a rag soaked in whiskey is all the painkiller a devout Republican needs, and re-breaking a bone to straighten it is like an angel’s kiss in the pain department compared to watching ten minutes of CNN.

“People forget that they can set broken bones themselves,” says Jordan Crane, a 58-year-old machinist who snapped his leg in three places when he kicked his 65-inch TV during a speech by Barack Obama back in 2014. “It’s not as hard as people think,” Crane says, “and you can save a bundle.” And though he doesn’t know why, Crane says women are more attracted to him now. “Maybe they like a guy who limps,” he says, “or dudes with one leg that’s six inches shorter than the other.”

The same goes for expensive surgeries that Democrats think the government ought to pay for. Republicans aren’t fooled by all the self-important drama surrounding surgery and all its supposed complications. Republicans like to keep it simple, so when a Republican needs surgery they just go to a drawer in the kitchen and grab an X-acto knife. That and a few cotton swabs are all anyone really needs to do most surgeries, and then it’s just a matter of slicing yourself open and digging out the offending organ. True, even the most dedicated Republican will admit that help from a wife or girlfriend might be necessary to sew the wound up neatly, but a staple gun will do in a pinch. 

Republicans feel the same way about dentistry. Nothing irks Republicans more than Democrats who think they need to go to the dentist every time a tooth hurts. There isn’t a Republican alive who doesn’t have a pair of needle-nosed pliers in their garage, and as every Republican knows, it only takes about two seconds to grab onto a rotting molar and yank it out. As it explains in the official Republican policy statement on dental care, “That’s why God gave us so many extra teeth.” 

Democrats think Republicans are cruel for not wanting to provide every American alive with a comfy security blanket when they get sick, but nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, the thing Republicans know that Democrats don’t is how much more precious life feels when you’re not quite sure if you’re going to die or not. Pain, too, can be a spiritual wake-up call, especially if you black out and think you died, but didn’t, and wake up to find out that God has a little more suffering in store for you. 

In any case, Republicans don’t have a replacement program for Obamacare, or any other kind of care, because deep down they believe that Democrats are bleeding the nation dry with all this nonsense about health. $3 trillion just to keep Democrats alive? Please. If Republicans ever got their way, so-called “healthcare” would cost less then $100 per year, there’d be a lot more money to go around, and loads of namby-pamby Democrats would die simply because they don’t know how to cauterize a wound with a soldering iron. 

So, as you can see, Democrats and Republicans have entirely different perspectives on the issue of personal health. And when it comes time to vote, it helps to understand what those differences are. Say what you will about Republican attitudes toward healthcare, but it is refreshing to know that American ingenuity is alive and well, even if some who have embraced it are not. Because yes, you can stitch yourself up with a staple gun, but disinfecting the wound with engine grease is a mistake. Experienced Republican mothers use bathroom caulk for that kind of thing, and take their savings straight to the bank.    

 

 

A Good Life Coach Can Work Wonders

Several years ago I broke down and got a life coach. I was skeptical at first, but now that my life is back on track and all is once again right with the world (or at least with me), I hope my experience can give others the courage to take control of their own fate, by yielding it to someone else. 

Before I met my coach, my life was a mess. My energy was scattered all over the place, my priorities were totally out of whack, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not convince myself that life had any meaning whatsoever. But now, after years of expert coaching, that’s all changed. These days, I awake each morning with a strong sense of purpose and absolute certainty about what I am going to do on any given day, and why. The twin demons of doubt and fear no longer cloud my judgment, and I glide through my life with an ease others would envy if they could crawl inside my body and experience, if only for a moment, the peace and joy of being me. 

My coach’s name is Sarge, and, true to his namesake, he is an unforgiving taskmaster. Stocky and strong, with the swagger of a man three times his size, he has no patience for nonsense. At first, I tried to curry his favor by offering him savory biscuits and finding ways to make him laugh, but he wasn’t impressed. He didn’t even have to say anything; I could tell by the look on his face in those first few days that he was disgusted by my fawning efforts to please him, and found my entreaties pathetic. He knew he had his work cut out for him—but, professional that he is, he stuck with me through those first rocky weeks and slowly guided me toward a better version of myself. Over time, he molded me into such an amazing version of myself that I hardly recognize me anymore. Which is a good thing, because I used to scare myself when I looked in the mirror, especially in the morning. Now the face staring back at me is little more than an improbably handsome stranger, and I am oddly comforted by the fact that all his teeth appear to be intact. 

How did he do it? How did Sarge turn the old, used up me into the fabulous me I am today?

First of all, I had to admit to him, in writing and on social media, that my old way of living was not working. Which was true, because I was unemployed at the time, and no matter how many times I called Comcast, they refused to boost my Internet speed so that I could unlock better weapons in World of Warcraft: Cataclysm, which was essential, because Deathwing the Destroyer had returned from Deepholm, and my sworn enemies in the Horde were being ruled by none other than Garrosh Hellscream! I think most people would agree that it doesn’t get much more urgent than that. 

 Anyway, Sarge convinced me to give up WOW and make a pact with him to live each and every day as if it were his last. Before long, Sarge had convinced me to forsake the toxic habits of my past and embrace a more structured, disciplined future. Under his tutelage, I learned the importance of eating a healthy breakfast first thing in the morning, and sticking to a predictable, repeatable routine. Modest daily exercise was also part of the program—one or two walks a day, at least, with occasional stops at the local soccer field to practice wind sprints. He also taught me the importance of taking frequent naps during the day to recharge, and the value of conserving one’s energy in case the mailman pulls a gun on you and extraordinary measures are required to neutralize the attack. 

 Best of all, Sarge has taught me that bottling up all my anger inside is counterproductive and unhealthy. He is an excellent role model in this regard. Direct and to the point, Sarge lets anyone and everyone know whether they have pleased or displeased him, and he has shown me the wisdom of choosing one’s words very carefully, then repeating them over and over again, very loudly, until the offending person changes their behavior accordingly. 

 This approach is magic, because it is so emotionally satisfying. Before I met Sarge, if something upset me I would stoically accept it and try not to show people how I really felt. But now, after years of training, whenever I get angry, the bile of my rage flows straight through my body and out my mouth, with no mitigating filter whatsoever. Those old habits of repression are long gone, replaced anew by the spontaneous confidence that comes from speaking one’s truth, from the gut, really loudly, without really thinking about it. 

 For example, I was checking out of the grocery store the other day, and when I inserted my card in the chip reader, the cashier informed me that the chip reader didn’t work—that I would instead have to swipe my card the old-fashioned way. Now, in the past I would have simply overlooked this annoyance and swiped my card, as ordered, and that would have been the end of it. But this time, drawing on my years of training with Sarge, I simply let the cashier have it. I mean, I lit into her. I quite literally “barked” at her, letting her know in no uncertain terms how much I hate it when the chip reader doesn’t work, and how terrifying it is to wonder if its malfunction is going to lead to a security breach that devastates my personal finances and ruins my otherwise marvelous life! Loudly and insistently, as I have been trained, I repeated my grievance over and over, throwing the occasional growl in to let her know that I was serious, that I was not someone to be messed with, and that if it ever happened again, I would tear her throat out. 

 She was absolutely terrified. It was fantastic. 

 In these and many other ways, Sarge has taught me how to manage my emotions and use persuasion to get what I want. Each day brings with it new challenges, and each day Sarge teaches me something new, though his techniques can be admittedly unorthodox. Lately, on our daily walks, he has been trying to convince me that I should follow his example and start defecating outside, in public, where anyone can see. He calls it “the ultimate freedom,” and insists that someone will come along to pick up the mess, but I do not yet possess the strength of character necessary to follow his lead. 

 Though I have come a long way under Sarge’s expert guidance, there is always more work to be done—which is why, for the sake of efficiency, my life coach now lives with me and sleeps on my floor. I once asked him why it was necessary for him to follow me around all day, every day, as if I couldn’t take care of myself. He arched an eyebrow and gave me that sad look, the one that hints that I do not know what’s going on and never will. “I am not your life coach,” he seemed to be saying, “I am your Coach for Life.” 

 And I couldn’t be happier.###