Woman who doesn’t want to be a fox or a deer.
According to psychologists, one of the most difficult things Americans will have to face as a result of the coronavirus pandemic is the sudden and overwhelming realization that they have lost control of their lives. Indeed, what the pandemic is teaching us all is that the whole idea of “control” is an illusion, and that anyone who thinks they have control over anything anymore is kidding themselves.
The people hardest hit by this harshest of truths will of course be those who thought they had their lives under control before the pandemic. These people worked hard, lost sleep, met deadlines, saved, invested, and followed the advice of experts, but everything still went to shit.
Now what?, they are wondering. I was on top of the world, master of my universe, and now I’m stuck at home all day watching the national infection map get redder and redder, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it! My life is no longer my own. The freedoms I once enjoyed are fast becoming a distant memory. Soon, I might even die. Life as I once knew it is gone, and now I am trapped inside with my family, a group of misfits who, I now realize, are tragically ill-equipped to live with each other.
So, having lost the sense of order and superiority that once gave their lives meaning, many dismayed masters of the pre-corona universe are wondering: What can I do to regain control of this awful situation?
Sorry, No More Serenity
Unfortunately, conventional, pre-corona advice isn’t much help in this regard. Before viral mayhem shut America down, the healthiest response to overwhelming feelings of helplessness was something akin to the so-called “Serenity Prayer”: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Sadly, this once-useful advice is now obsolete. We are all now being asked to accept that we can’t change much of anything anymore, and not much wisdom is needed to realize that no matter how courageous you might be, your heroism is no match for an invisible spore. Go ahead, try not touching your face for an hour. It’s impossible. And so, you may think, you are doomed.
But all is not lost.
Fortunately, those of us who lost control of our lives a long time ago are in an excellent position to offer some helpful advice to our control-freaked-out brethren. Uncertainty and chaos may reign outside the home, but inside, away from the scrutiny of neighbors, there are still areas of life where one can exert a great deal of control.
Stuff You Can Still Control
For example, at mealtime, it is almost entirely under your control how much salt you decide to sprinkle on your food. None, a little, a lot—it’s entirely up to you. That is, unless the person who prepared the meal already salted it too much, in which case the decision has already been made for you. You can still try to cut through the saltiness with a little sugar or vinegar, but now you’re not in control anymore, you’re reacting, and you don’t want that. Therefore, the best thing to do in order to maintain control of the salt situation is to prepare all of your own food. That way, no one but you can mess with the sodium content of your meals, and your sense of control in this area of life will be complete.
Parents trapped inside their homes with a brood of bored, needy children who want to be entertained every second of the day are likely to feel the loss of control most acutely. Once upon a time, work provided a much-needed respite from these ungrateful cretins, but now parents’ lives are ruled by them. Some parents may feel guilty about not being able to protect their children from the mortal dread outside, but that—as we have already determined—is not something parents can control anymore.
What stressed-out parents need to remember in the coming weeks is that kids don’t always need to be comforted; sometimes, they just need to be yelled at. And one thing parents can control is how loud they yell at their children. A parent may start yelling at a moderate volume, for instance, but if that doesn’t get results, there is always the option of yelling louder. And if that doesn’t get results, parents can yell louder still. The upper limit is a kind of shriek-scream that alarms the neighbors, but that can easily be followed by a low growl that slowly builds into yet another crescendo of castigation that should—if executed correctly—stun those little shits into silence, if only for a minute or two.
Another thing people imprisoned in their homes can control is how tight they tie their shoelaces. Tie them as loose or as tight as you want; nobody can take the right to decide your own shoelace tension away from you. A snug but comfortable-fitting shoe is a welcome balm in these troubled times. And if on your daily walk your shoelaces happen to get a little loose, it is absolutely in your control to stop, kneel down, and tighten them, using whatever lacing method you prefer. Such a small freedom may have seemed unimportant a week ago, but now you should revel it. Feel free to take as much time as you need to get those laces just right, because as soon as you’re done, you’ll have no choice but to stand up and take another step forward into the abyss.
Room for Even More Control
Speaking as someone who lost control of their life a long time ago, it’s not hard to understand why people who thought they had control over their lives are suddenly panicking. It’s jarring to wake up and realize, all over again, each and every day, that nothing in your life is going as planned. Still, no matter how bad things get outside, and no matter how helpless you feel in the face of your impending annihilation, it’s important to remember that there are things in your life that you can still control.
For example, those of us who are experienced in the art of utter helplessness learned a long time ago one of the few places a person can still feel moderately in control of anything is in the bathroom. Sure, your wife may be forcing you to take a shower and shave, but the one thing she can’t control—but you can—is how much toilet paper you decide to use in any given ass wipe. Again, this may sound like a small thing, but it is not—because it is a decision over which you have complete control.
Do you want to conserve your toilet-paper supply and try to wipe with as few tissue squares as possible? Do you want to try to finish the job in one stroke? Or is today the day you treat yourself to a generous fistful of Charmin and enjoy, if only for a moment, the gentle, pillow-soft caress of that crumpled cloud on your private-est of parts? It’s entirely up to you. In that decisive moment between urgent elimination and the inevitable flush, you are the master of your domain, the king of your porcelain throne. No one can tell you how much or how little toilet paper to use; you are in control. Nor can anyone tell you how to wipe. Back-to-front, front-to-back, side-to-side, up and down—that’s between you and your hand, no one else. And the decision to pull a fresh wad off the roll, or two or three? Entirely up to you.
So if you’re sitting at home reading this and feeling like the whole world is spinning out of control, just remember: it’s important to simmer in this feeling and get used to it, because it’s not going away anytime soon. There are however a few small areas of your life that you can still control, so make the most of them. Because when the shit really does hit the fan, the freedom to wipe as you wish may be the last true freedom you enjoy for a very long time.###